Friday, August 13, 2010

The Stuff of Manly Men

I figure that it is about time that I throw my hat into the ring. As a male hetero sapien, I find that there are certain elements of our physiological/psychological makeup that hearken back to yesteryear when loin cloths were all the rage and manliness was measured by the size of your ... saber-tooth tiger beating club.

Now there are certain things that are extremely reminiscent of those golden years of testosterone and masculinity and in my estimation they are presented here in no particular order: fire, ritualistic tribal dancing with sharp sticks and spears, wild and untamed ravenous beasts, cage fights with silver back gorillas, man's primal instinct of survival, and the most recent edition of Sport's Illustrated College Football Preview 2010.

Now any yahoo with a death wish could travel to the dark, vast jungles of Central America and do the Texas two step while holding a jaguar by the tail. Likewise, on safari in the savannas of Africa, one could tangle with rhinos, hip-hop with hippos, wrangle with bull elephants, or ride an ostrich while playing polo with a lion's head as a ball and using a wildebeest's femur as a stick . What is so exciting about this whole affair is the sense of adventure and risk and that it is where men become men.

But if you really think about it, it is for those very reasons that us modern manly men don't do those things. Think about it! Jump into the Nile with hungry crocodiles and most fellas are as good as dead. Dive into a cobra hole and you'll come out with the worst of it. I mean someone could get really hurt. You know that wise old Chinese adage (bless those Chinese who just sat around all day long and thought of really brilliant things to say that we now call proverbs): “It's all fun and games until someone gets their eye poked out”! Genius. Verbal gold, like intellectual nectar being poured straight from the Gods themselves and onto our souls. Sort of like those old crystal clear Pepsi commericals.

Now that stuff is definitely manly and great, but what is great about modern society is that we can watch other people do it for us and live to tell the tale. I introduce to you Bear Grylls--"manly man extraordinaire and ultimate possessor of testicular fortitude".

If you have never tuned in, I highly recommend that you watch Man vs. Wild on the Discovery Channel. True it's not actually being on safari or traversing the Himalayas with nothing but an old canteen and a Bowie knife, but who wants to do that anyway? That's dangerous. No, there is plenty of excitement to be had by living by proxy through Bear.

Just as a teaser, I have included some video evidence of Bear Grylls: Manly Man, The Stuff of Legends. Please view responsibly!

Could you do this if the going got tough? Bear did, because he's tough and he got going

Snake Killer

You thought Ozzy Osbourne was cool with the whole bat thing? Check these out!

And one final spoof that was too good not to share

So there you are: Man in his purest and most unadulterated form. I recommend that we are cut our man cards in half upon witnessing his awesomeness. If you are like me, you will never look yourself in the mirror with the same confidence again, unless like me, you commit to live by proxy through Bear Grylls.


  1. I couldn't agree with you more strongly. And like you, when out in the wild, I will stick to my trail mix and granola bars while continuing to live a more manly life through Bear Gryll.

  2. Bear should have just knocked down some Crystal Pepsi that will keep a real man alive in the wild. Also I argue that the real man is Adam Richmand on "Man vs. Food" on the Travel Channel. A Man that can eat more than a 72 oz steak in one sitting is a real man's man.

  3. "As a male hetero sapien"