Identity Crisis

Ah yes, July is winding down and August is approaching fast. We can all agree that July is a fun month. You start it out with 4^th of July barbecues, parades and firework shows. For those of us lucky enough to live in Utah, we get to do it all over again on July 24^th for Pioneer Day. All of this is done in the middle of the hot heat with tons of trips to Seven Peaks to get some sun and cool off. But it is all an attempt to hide the sick sad truth: July is the WORST MONTH OF THE YEAR. Don’t believe me? You need to take a closer look.

True sports fans will tell you that September through January are some of the best months of the year. We practically get 48 hours straight of pure football and 5 days to talk about it all. February through March? Well that goes without saying. April through June? NBA playoffs are in full swing. But what happens after the NBA Finals end? There are a few tennis and golf tournaments in July. We have the Tour de France, but that is basically going to be irrelevant now that Lance is done (not that anyone sat down and actually WATCHED the racing). Every four years we have the Summer Olympics and it seems like we can add the World Cup the list of events that interest us for… what? Two weeks. Or until the US gets eliminated. And MLB….

Don’t even get me started on the MLB regular season. 130 games in a regular season? How can you expect me to care about a Red Sox loss to the Rays when they’re going to play each other 7 more times this week? On top of that, they take a break from the games that actually matter somewhat for a game that means nothing at all: the MLB All-Star Break. That’s a joke in itself. Every team gets at least one player on the roster. Does a pitcher with an 0-2 record really deserve to be considered an All-Star (see Joaquim Soria of the Kansas City Royals). And the manager tries to get the entire 30+ roster on the field before the night is over. It’s like youth YMCA basketball all over again.

Don’t get me wrong – I love baseball. Watching your team win the World Series is great and if you’ve been to a big league park to watch a game, there is nothing like the sound of the crack of a bat. But I can’t bring myself to watch baseball games during the week when I get home from work. The games just aren’t that exciting and have no championship implications.

Furthermore, I watch ESPN enough to know when they have too much on their plate and when they are reaching for a story. The headline when I woke up Monday morning? “Rookie, Dez Bryant of the Dallas Cowboys refuses to carry veteran wide receiver’s shoulder pads back to the locker room.” Is that really a story? Are you kidding me, guys? That’s the day’s top story? It’s not ESPN’s fault. There is simply nothing going on in sports right now. MLB trade deadline speculations aren’t that exciting since half of the trades made won’t even matter. We usually don’t care about NBA free agent signings. This summer was an anomaly with the LeBacle. It’s just a slow month.

Don’t believe me? Then why has PTI’s host, Tony Kornheiser had the entire month off? Michael Wilbon had two weeks off and they had the show cancelled for a week altogether. Around the Horn was also off the air for a week. I know these guys need vacations. So what better time to do it than when there is no news to debate?

Can anyone tell me what events happen the night the ESPY’s are on? Nothing? Right. It’s the day after the MLB All-Star break. A desperate attempt to bring sports fans back to life after a comatose weekend of baseball players messing around.

So what am I trying to say? I am taking this opportunity to confess openly that the circumstances I just described led to my behavior on Monday, July 26^th at roughly 7:00 pm. I watched pro wrestling. WWE Raw. For thirty minutes. Then I recorded the rest and watched the rest Wednesday night.

There was NOTHING on TV that interested me enough other than pro wrestling. I used to follow the male soap opera quite a bit between the ages of 10 and 17. I can admit it. And I always knew it was fake. But the drama was so intriguing and the crazy moves they did were pretty cool. If you are judging me, then I’d like to see you try doing a back flip from the top of a steel cage and land on your stomach on top of someone else. I never tried it, but I did try a few submission moves on my sister. She used to tap out so fast. Wuss.

NFL pre season starts August 8^th with the Bengals against the Cowboys. I just hope that I can wait that long. Because if I watch anymore pro wrestling, it will be like an alcoholic on the verge of a relapse. I mean, Bret Hart (my childhood wrestling idol) is coming out of retirement for a 7 on 7 elimination match on a pay-per-view event on August 15!! I almost can justify the $45 to watch that.

Good heavens, please help me…..